my blog isn't scary

There's ocean and seaweed and surf. Greyness and blueness and wet sandness. And foam rushing forward from the water, up and up the beach. I run away from it, screaming and laughing and grabbing the hem of my blue shorts like it's the only thing that will save me.

Those were memories. I was six or so, at the Oregon Coast. I really, really want to go back. I have pictures of it too, of me running away from the surf.

I keep up my writing on my Morning Pages. It takes a lot of emotional and physical and mental energy, working through all the drama that's going on, longhand. But I'm glad I'm writing them because it helps me figure things out.

Leanne read Twilight and really liked it. I'm still not sure if I'm going to read it. Eddie and Bellie are weirdos. I like vampires though, I love vampires, at least Scott's vampires. (Yay Scott! You could totally take down Stephanie Meyer!) Especially because they drink coffee instead of blood. I know the feeling... sometimes I wonder if deep down I am a vampire too and don't know it. Me + Espresso = GRRAWRR.

I am very happy, and my blog is not scary.

Love,
me.

do you mind if i'm a geek?

off to the wedding!

Off to the wedding today but must finish my morning pages first. If I don't finish my morning pages, no wedding. If I don't finish my espresso, no wedding. So I must hold up under the ginormous pressure and finish my two necessary arts.

I will see you all...

later.

Love,
me

(Oh, did I mention that it is my sister Tara's wedding and not mine?)

rehearsal

Wearing my grey scoop-neck AE shirt (the silky, artsy one with the eagle on it), my skinny jeans, light purple nail polish, and bare feet!

In trouble because I didn't write my morning pages yet, and because I want to do the tango but I don't know how to do it or who to do it with.

I love frogs.

I love little lumps of clover in the grass.

I love angel clouds.

I love my bare feet.

Love,
me.

new post

I got a little kittie! In my dream. The kittie wasn't black but he was a grey tabby and his name was Little Sausage (of course...) I got to carry him all the way home curled up against my chest. He was purring.

Writing my resume to drop off at the little expresso stands around town.

Also sticking up little post-it notes on the wall above my desk. Each little postie has a quote about creativity written on it. I'm going to go through The Artist's Way today and copy out some more quotes.

One of the exercises in the book is to choose five different occupations you'd like to lead in five different imaginary lives. You could do anything. Then you choose one that you want to "live out" this week. I chose to be a famous chef.

Like Anatole.

kittie kittie

I got to hold a little kitten tonight.

Makes me remember how much I want a kittie of my own,

which is very badly.

I would like a pure black one,

with soft fur,

that has many kittens;

many kittens that I can hide in my valet's bed.

(Because my valet will not like kittens so much;

his name will be Jeeves.)

the sound of paper

Last night, through exercises in "The Sound of Paper" by Ms. Julia Cameron, I made a list of what I thought of God in my childhood, and what kind of God I would like. I was not doing this in any sort of blasphemous way at all. Here is what I wrote, longhand, in my notebook, honest as myself:

Childhood God:
1. Wrathful
2. Cranky
3. Jealous
4. Up in the Sky
5. Demanding Obedience
6. Judgmental
7. Boring
8. Strict
9. Stuck "way back then"
10. Picky

God I Would Like:
1. Modern
2. Forgiving
3. Creative
4. Charismatic
5. Extravagant
6. Down here with me
7. Encouraging me in my pursuits
8. Willing to share secrets
9. Stylish
10. Knows me totally and likes me

Like I said, don't get mad at me for being "blasphemous"... I needed to know what false misconceptions I have about God, and I find that so many are wrong! I still have such a hard time shaking those. I want the God that King David had, not a God that is stereotypically "middle-class American Christian". I want a Spiritual God, not a Stern, Male God.

HE MADE ME CREATIVE.
HE LIKES ME CREATIVE.
I LIKE MYSELF CREATIVE.
I LIKE HIM.
HE LIKES ME.
HE HAS CREATED ME IN HIS IMAGE,
TO WRITE.
WRITING, THEREFORE,
IS A SPIRITUAL ACT,
THE ACT OF PUTTING YOUR SPIRITUAL BEING,
WITH ALL IT'S BELIEFS,
ON PAPER.