NYC

I need New York City. I need my own flat, and I need the milkman to deliver bottles of milk to my front door once a week. I need to fill my flat with art and hold writer's groups there and meet people like Natalie Goldberg and Stephen King. Most of all, I need to get away for awhile and start a new life with new people and fresh opportunities and no stigmas attached to me like a price label.

numb

there is such cruelty in life.

i find myself numb.

i used to have such dreams

but my accomplishments mean nothing

i can't accomplish love.

Last Night's Three Rants in my Little Purple Notebook

(I must have been half asleep.)

1. Piece like a dang and getting cold feet. Wondering if I am or am not crazy, possibly schitzophrenic and praying for K---, whom I love like a brother, with hugs hadded too. Today I am blue nail polish (to stop biting) and five cheese stick wrappers in ten minutes while reading a book about writer's losing weight. Skinny legs and jeans size 0, come quick.

2. Careful buckets of happiness not to be tipped and late nights with the fan running for to cool the house down, sounding like air pressure inside a car, and the bamboo plant, it's in the bathroom--probably waiting and thirsty! Gave Leanne that book she needs to read and Isaiah. He makes me laugh, hot and handsome with a fedora, I told him. Green sleeping bag slips off me in the night; heating pad all pilled up turns off and I am cold and in a stumble grope in the dark, reaching and then pulling too far.

3. And a yellow post-it tacked to my wall, sleeping now on a velvety dark green pillow that is beautiful and to hope I don't drool on it, the pretty purple dots are my current favorite color, and green, so to go shopping and find a purple top would be perfect with my new jeans. Goodnight, sleep seducing, goodnight.

Go on with the Show!

Tonight is my big singing show. I've practiced five hours every day for the last four days, and finally all that work is coming to a climax. With sixteen other people, we are putting on a show with wonderful choreography and beautiful voices, and some of the best directors and teachers in the city.

The show starts at 7:30PM. I have to get down to the recital hall at 3:30PM for a dress rehearsal.

But bah humbug, I need to go get my espresso and some more Sobe flavored water. And I think I'll eat a few string cheese sticks in the process.

Love,
me

Liquid Story Binder (and a Not-So-Sore Throat)

Throat much better! Singing is still impaired. I cannot sing. I warble, squeak, growl... and yet I know that by Monday I will be good enough to go the the Singer's Performance Week. =)

Been using this program called "Liquid Story Binder XE" for story plotting and character development. It costs $45 or something, but I'm using it for free for thirty days. Sweet, huh? And though at first I was detrimentally confused, I have come to half-way understand the program and I like it! Gets me in this serious mood about writing. Like, "I AM GOING TO GET THIS DONE!"

lol.

Gahh, it's 12:21. I'd better be getting to bed. I was going to talk to Kyle tonight (another friend of mine, he lives in Los Angeles) but I guess his phone is dead. Ah well. Perhaps tomorrow.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

(Is that how it goes?)

Sore Throat

Yep, I have one. I went to bed with a mild scratch in my throat and woke up with a full-blown earache and throat ache. Now, I would be okay with this except for the fact that starting on Monday is my Singer's Performance Week.

And I CAN'T SING!

I can't even do a simple exercise like "zi-a-zi-a-zi" without squeaking on the middle notes. There's no way I'm going to be able to reach a G note above pasaggio now. God, this is where you come in. Because there's no way I can sing like this. >.<

Other than that, I have kept myself busy with writing like never before. Is this the work of Prozac? I hate to give the credit to a drug but I think it may be true. Ever since I was put on Prozac I have had an incredible urge to work on the novel that I've never written.

Also I've been planning on getting my hair cut short, you know since I've had trichotillomania. (I hate how weird that word looks, lol.) Even if I have to wear a hat for awhile because I don't like the cut, it would be very freeing. Then I'd let it grow out long again. Anyway, it would be fun to mess with having a "bob" for awhile, don't you think? Hahaha.

And my sister Leanne says that once I get my hair cut short we're going to play with hair colors. I want to try a dark, rich auburn. Or even a blonde kinda like yours, Earwen. What do you think?

La la la-la-la

Music. If there was anything I don't think I could give up, music would be it. I would even give up writing before music.

Been listening to Michael Buble, Norah Jones, Jack Johnson. You know, the soft syncopated jazz with gentle vocals, almost bluesy in style. I listen at Pandora.com, a free customizable radio site. Really makes me want to listen to the rawkin' black gospel songs. Mmhmm, those are my favorites for worship music.

Still been plotting. I think I need to jack up the characters a little, you know, make them memorable, different. Not necessarily quirky, if you know what I mean. Give them all their own motives, their own goals, and watch them interplay with other characters' dreams. I need some contradictions in my story.

More friction.

>.< Anyway, Nathan left today to work at Quincy. He'll be there for a month. It won't make much of a difference because it's not like I really got to see him often while he was here in Spokane, but it noticably lessens my feelings of comfort and safety, you know? When he's in Spokane I always know I can go over to his place if I need to. But when he's three hours away it's different. I find myself feeling a little vulnerable. :(

My brief working set of characters

Characters:
JENNA, 18-year-old girl
COLIN, Jenna's best friend
SCOTT, Jenna's cousin and friend
SYLVIA, Jenna's great aunt and bookshop owner
VANESSA, Jenna's attractive and popular older sister
RYAN, Jenna's crush
GLORIA, Colin's ex-girlfriend

Story planning!

Am currently filling out a single-page Story Planner, complete with little boxes for characters and events and such. I learned never to get too detailed in planning. You can find the page here, if you are interested.

It's bothersome filling these things out, but at least it's easier than actually writing it. I'm horrible at the writing part, which makes it difficult to be a writer. I tend on the perfectionist side, so I write really slowly and have to have everything just right before going on. >.<

An Overall Summery Day :D

Today I went outside in the sunshine and played ultimate frisbee, freeze tag, and crack-the-whip with Conrad right before he left. Then Leanne and I washed the 15-passenger white van. And then we're going to eat a chicken-and-rice-pilaf dinner, and I'm going to sit outside and write while waving away the blood-thirsty mosquitoes.

Doesn't that sound like a perfect summer day? I wish you were all here to enjoy it with me. :)

Living in a fairy tale mindset??

I, personally, am very annoyed at those who act as though they are living in a fairy tale. For a four-year-old, maybe it's okay. But any child over ten should realize that this is real life, not some Cinderella story.

I mean, even just the basics of a fairy tale will be damaging if you believe them.

You're going to have to work for your Prince Charming, dear. He's not going to come riding out of the hills and sweep your new, shiny, without-a-fingerprint self up into his arms, riding off into the sunset. No, he's going to come up and be searching for a girl he can share his life with, a girl who is not afraid of the world, a girl who knows how to do things and is willing to do them. He may need to look around a little before he notices you. You may actually need to work for his attention. I know how bad that sounds, but it's true.

Just like you need to work for true love. True love doesn't find you, you have to find someone who you truly want to love with all your being, and then learn how to do it together. It's not easy, from what I've heard.

And then don't expect everything to end happily ever after! This is real life.

I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't mean to say that it's not okay to talk about Prince Charming, and I don't want to say that something in a fairy tale will never happen. I'm just saying that when you believe your life will be a fairy tale, it will hurt more than help.

I know, because I used to believe my life would be just like a romantic fairy tale. Now I've come to see that it can be just as romantic, but in a different way, a real life way, where I have to work to make my life better and to make myself a stronger person.

Tired

I'm always either tired and happy or tired and sad. Does that make sense? Maybe it's the Prozac, but I've turned into a sleepyhead all over the house... in my sisters' bedrooms, on the living room couch, even in the back concrete stairwell (which, unfortunately, is filled with earwigs).

I'm also sufficiently troubled at this moment.

Troubled and tired.

Train Station, Here We Come!

A really quick note because it's midnight over here... in a few minutes we're taking my sister Shanna to the train station so she can get over to Montana for a job she's taking. She will be babysitting some of our relatives' kids.

I will miss her tremendously! And things will be very different, as I will now be the oldest girl at home since Tara moved out.

Shanna will be staying there for a month, and then she'll be back.

I hope the days go fast!

Okay, goodnight everyone, and sweet dreams. :)

P.S. I love train stations; they're so nostalgic.

A Thinking Day

I tried hard to write a lot today, but mostly what I did was simply think about writing. I did get a thousand or so words in on "Write or Die" (see previous post), but other than that I failed horribly. lol. Most of the day was spent outside.

Played frisbee with Conrad. I'm horrible at aiming. I try to fling it to him, but it ends up like 25 degrees to the right or left. And I thought singing was hard! Ah well, I'll learn. :)

Lately I've been trying not to stay up too late, because when I do I get to thinking, and then I get sad and start crying. It's hard not to when you think about your life. I try so hard at living my best and I always fall short. I try to be nice, but nobody notices. I try to write well, but it comes out clunky and ugly. I love people and they don't always love me back.

Those kind of thoughts are my weaknesses. They never fail to make me feel worthless. However, they do make me promise to do better next time, and I am making progress in my thoughts as well as my actions. And hey, if I keep getting better and better, who knows? Someday I may be to the point where I can look at myself and just be happy. :)

Well, I'd better go clean my room... my magic kleenexs are all over the floor now!

Write or Die

Okay, writers... check this out. This is my "writing day" so I will be using this gadget profusely to get drafting done. It works wonders, especially for slow, perfectionist writers like me! Mwahaha.

Write or Die : Dr Wicked's Writing Lab