I hate to say it but this morning I was obsessed with dying the death of F. Scott Fitzgerald, a man whose writing I greatly admire, and yet a man I have sympathy for because of his van-Gogh-like death. You know, the hurting, sick alcoholic, struggling to turn out typewrit page after typewrit page; alone after dozens of failed relationships and many affairs... yes, this morning I woke up and it felt like someone had prophesied my life to be like that. It was a weird, not very comfortable feeling.
However hard my life is right now, I feel as though I am rising up through it all. I'm writing like mad, accomplishing dozens and dozens of things in a day, scraping away at papers that fly about me; I am doing more work and chores than ever, and drinking more espresso than ever. I have started to take Vitamin B halfway throughout the day, just so I can get through without falling asleep.
Then at 10 o'clock PM, I have an espresso in my bedroom, so I can stay up till midnight and write. Oh, writing. What I would do to write. It is my life, it is the very cord that connects me to my sanity. Or perhaps insanity, depending on your viewpoint. It opens me up. I must admit though, that true writing is very painful, oh damn it is. It hurts like hell. But if it does not hurt, there is no truth in it, there is no meaning and no self in it... it is all fluff, nothing worth keeping, nothing worth publishing. You might as well have been doing cleaning or such.
Oh tut! I'm starting to sound like Brenda Ueland. (Though that may not be such a very bad thing.)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
2 comments:
Welcome to posting a comment on my blog; I thank you for clicking here and I'm sure we will be fast friends if we aren't already, since I love people who comment. But I don't really like people who nit-pick my blog. That tends to get nowhere with me except to make me first laugh, then blush, and finally growl. Not to mention it doesn't make the nit-picker look particulary good either. However, if you would really like to nitpick, email me at cierrawrites@gmail.com. I may or may not reply, but I'll always love you since you commented anyway. Alright, comment away!
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Oh, Cierra!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, let me start by saying yo uwrite really well.
Let me also say this: Dear, you have drifted away from God so far, it scares me!
You swear... and I never thought my best friend would turn Emo on me.
Please, Cierra! God IS there for you, you don't have to aspire to be anything but a free young woman in Him!
I love you like a sister, Cecie, and hate seeing you do this to yourself!
If there's anything I can do for you, please tell me! I pray for you.
But no matter what happens, Cierra, I'll always be your friend, and I'll always be there for you.
I love you, never forget that.
Ahhhhhh this is true! Writing is amazing that way. I love your blog makeover too, by the way. :D
ReplyDelete~Scotty